Sunday, October 12, 2014

Grieving Pollicle Woofles Syrup Delaney

I didn't post it here, but Woofles passed away on August 3, 2014. People tried to blame my sister. Some person from our vet told a rescue organization that she was dragging him on a chain behind her trike. She had him in the basked and he ended up falling out because something was wrong with him. It was Sunday and when the guy at Walgreens finally gave me a clear enough message, I understood that something was wrong with one of the dogs with Briana. That Walgreens worker was not a good person with his message at all. I get a phone call and the only thing he said is, "We have a customer here. She says it's an emergency. Do you know her?" He gave me NO INFORMATION. How am I supposed to know what he means. He said something else that wasn't helpful. Then he said "I think one of her animals had a stroke," so I knew to worry. Woofles was still breathing a little bit and we were trying to give him CPR, but we didn't know to give him CPR. I was very upset and I got turned around about going to the emergency vet. I don't know if he would have made it. I felt his little body go cold and I knew he hadn't made it, so I went home to get Nibet and Krueger to show them that he had passed away. I felt that it was important. They needed to know and not just suddenly be without Woofles. I didn't know he wasn't feeling well. I thought it was just a chihuahua honk-cough. However, maybe it was more. He'd come in at night and he'd have a little cough. However, he would settle down and it would stop. Whenever he was at the vet, they never found anything wrong with his heart when they listened to it. On the night of August 2, 2014, I was in bed. I was going to go call Woofles from the backyard as that was pretty much my routine. However, Briana was up and she said she would get him. I didn't know he wasn't being himself. She brought him in and he slept with me. She told me later on that he was staring out of our backyard gate. Since she kept saying fence instead of gate, that didn't seem to be any different. The fence is all around the yard and he'd often stare out of it. I didn't think about it, but he was napping with me for a bit on August 3 and when I asked him if he wanted to get up, he was strange. Instead of either being excited to get up, grumpy to get up, or trying to get me to go back to sleep, he held his little head under the sheet right near my leg. He was keeping his head tucked into the sheet and not trying to get room so he could breathe through his nose. I know he's in heaven with my Mama, my Daddy, my Grandpa, my Grandma, my Grandpa George, so many other people, Toggle, Marbles, Micron, Cinder, and other dogs, too. I thought Woofles was only going to be 7 on August 19. When I adopted him, the vet told me that he was probably no more than two years of age, so I gave him the birthday of August 19, 2007. However, I feel there have been signs that he was 11 years old and not approaching 7 or already 7. I was praying about Woofles being in heaven and even when not in deep prayer, those things happened. I prayed about a cross showing up - more like God put the thought there and then Briana brought this cross into the house that she had found. I prayed about talking to a classmate about pets and when I got into my history class, my classmate asked me, "Do you have any animals?" I didn't even have to say a thing. I prayed about a dragonfly landing on me and coming into my car. One day when leaving from the building where the history class I have is held, a dragonfly landed right on my finger and then it flew into my car and was on the dash for just a bit and it flew out. As for being 11, I wanted "dog" and "11" together as I figured that is the closest I'd get to knowing. My Voice and Diction teacher was talking about his dogs and he told me that one of them was 11. I went to Chili's with my castmates the other night and when I got there, there was a police vehicle that was a "k-9 Unit" and it was number 110. Sure, there's a 0 on that, but there's still that "11." Oh, and we took his body to the emergency vet and they found no signs of trauma on his little body. I know that in order to be hanged or choked, there has to be trauma marks. That tells me that it had to be something internal. I still need to get everything to make his memorial so I can have some help burying his ashes in my back yard and then mark that site. I only know where Marbles's ashes are by a tree root and need to finish with his memorial, too. I hate losing pets. Grieving this little dog is not easy. Woofles is (because he exists in heaven) my favorite little dog. I do have a new little dog. Her name is Butterbean. She is my favorite little princess.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Shakespearean Pie References

This version should be better than the last version of my doing this.

Hopefully, the video embeds when I do this.

If it didn't embed, here's the link to the video.
Shakespearean Pie

The song is not in the order of events that they happened in the play. It is a parody song of Don McLean's American Pie. It is very, funny, though! I liked the song before I read Hamlet and now I love it even more!
Song LyricsComments
A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How, alas, poor Yorick's jokes drew groans
He'd dance and sing and kiss my hand
Like Elsinore was Neverland
But then he went and joined the Skull and Bones
All of this verse is from Act 5, Scene 1, when Hamlet remembers Yorick.
And now, Horatio, I get shivers
With every line the ghost delivers
This refers to Act 1, Scene 5, when King Hamlet's ghost speaks to Prince Hamlet.
All the Globe has been dark Famous theater where many of Shakespeare's plays were staged.
'Cause something rots in Denmark End of Act 1, Scene 4 when Marcellus comments on what the "meaning" of the ghost appearing might be.
I can't recall a thing as weird
As when dear old Daddy reappeared
To say that he'd been poisoned-eared
The day King Hamlet died
This verse refers to Act 1, Scene 5, when King Hamlet's ghost appears to Prince Hamlet to say that Claudius poured poison in his ear to kill him and that he wans't bitten by a poisonous snake.
So
To be or to choose not to be?
That's the question I'm digestin' in my soliloquy
And when fortune aims its slings and arrows at me
Tell me how I'm gonna live through Act III?
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I.
Answer, please, iambically The play Hamlet is written in unrhymed iambic pentameter.
Did you like Shakespeare in Love?
And did you rewind for scansion of
Gwyneth with her wardrobe gone?
This is just silly and about the movie Shakespeare in Love and the nude scenes with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Now, do you believe in English Lit? Since Shakespeare was British, he is in English Literature.
Is brevity the soul of wit? Act 2, Scene 2 when Polonius says that he will get straight to saying what he needs to say, yet still with a lot of words!
If so then why's this bloody play so long? Hamlet is Shakespeare's longest play
Well, I know this role has real cachet
For each Branagh and Olivier
And Mel Gibson draws blood nice
Kenneth Branagh, Laurence Olivier, and Mel Gibson all played Hamlet is movie versions of Hamlet.
Man, I dig that Passion of Christ! Mel Gibson directed The Passion of the Christ.
I was a young, great Dane in British schools Hamlet wasn't actually in a British school. He went to Wittenberg in Germany, and then stayed when Gertrude and Claudius asked him to stay in Denmark.
With my pet Ophelia and a dad who rules Ophelia was Hamlet's "girlfriend" and his dad was king.
But I knew we'd been played for fools
The day King Hamlet died
Again, because King Hamlet was not bitten by a snake.
So here's the question:
To be or choose rather to be
Suicidal or to idle apathetically,
Or IS volition all it's cracked up to be
If "to die, to sleep, to dream" is lovely?
Please explain the question to me
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I.
Less than two months since the obit ran This could even say one month, since Gertrude married Claudius less than a month after King Hamlet died.
And Lord knows, frailty, thy name's woman:
My dumbass uncle wears Dad's ring
Act 1, Scene 2 when Hamlet talks about remember his mother with his father and how she has married his uncle.
So I set the stage for a royal sting
What a script! I thought, The play's the thing
Where I'll catch the conscience of the king
Act 2, Scene 2 where Hamlet has the actors stage a play about what Claudius did.
Oh, and while the king enjoyed the show
The players showed him whack his bro
The king stomped off and cried
Act 3, Scene 2 when Hamlet's play The Mousetrap is staged, Claudius isn't happy, so he leaves.
O. J. yelled Homicide! Silliness because O.J. Simpson and the possibility that he murdered Nicole Brown Simpson.
So Let's Make a Deal, Queen Mother, who
Is behind curtain number two?
How now, a rat? I sliced him through
The day Polonius died
In Act 3, Scene 4 when Gertrude talks to Hamlet and has Polonius hide behind the arras [a wall hanging, thus a "curtain,"] and Hamlet cries out, "How now, a rat?" and stabs Polonius as he stabs through the arras. The phrase "What's behind curtain number two?" comes from the game show Let's Make a Deal.
I was thinking:
To be or to go with Plan B?
Is it nobler just to soldier on Shakespeareanly
Or fly off to the undiscovered country?
Thus my conscience makes a coward of me
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I.
Get me to a fun nunnery In Act 3, Scene 1, Hamlet tells Ophelia to "get thee to a nunnery," and while we think of this as a convent, while it could be, in Elizabethan English, "nunnery" was slang for a brothel.
Hanky panky? Nope, Ophelia's cranky Act 3, Scene 2 when Hamlet is talking to Ophelia and asks, "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" and the conversation that follows.
Could she be ticked that I nailed that Yankee? Hamlet kills Polonius in Act 3, Scene 4.
Or maybe 'cause I knifed her dad? In Act 5, Scene 2, Hamlet stabs Claudius with a poisoned sword.
She shouted Foul! in her wrath:
You'll never tread on my primrose path!
Act 1, Scene 3 when Ophelia is talking to her brother, Laertes.
Guess my joke 'bout "country matters" made her mad This is referring to Hamlet asking, "Do you think I meant "country matters?" This means he was asking Ophelia if she thought he meant having sex.
Now, the nymph went nutso north-northwest
Went 'n' took a swim completely dressed
She sank just like a ship
This refers to Act 4, Scene 5 when Ophelia goes mad and drowns herself.
So - here's the moral: skinny-dip This is referring to the fact that Ophelia was completely clothed, but is dealing with it in a silly way.
Poor Laertes missed his tour de France In Act 1, Scene 2, Claudius gives Laertes permission to go back to France and then in Act 4, Scene 5, Laertes comes back from France to have the sword fight with Hamlet.
But, merde, this ain't no cheap romance
Ask Guildenstern and Rosencrantz
The day Ophelia died
Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are characters in Hamlet that are told to spy on Hamlet by Gertrude and Claudius. Of course, this is again referring to Ophelia's drowning in Act 4,Scene 5.
And I was thinking...
To be or to other-than-be?
That's the question - screw depression - death sounds painless to me
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I. [Also, just to mention every time that I hear the line "death sounds painless to me," I think of the M*A*S*H theme song Suicide is Painless.]
This too too solid flesh should melt melt like brie Act 1, Scene 2 when Hamlet says, "Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt . . ."
And resolve into a fondue for me And at the end of the previous line, when Hamlet says "resolve itself into a dew."
Serve it with some crumpets and tea Silliness since brie could be served with crumpets and tea, which is a tradition with many British people.
Oh, and there we were all in one place
Equipped with poison, swords, and Mace
With Fortune there to shape our ends
So come on - fence me nimble, fence me quick
This refers the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes in Act 5,Scene 2.
Don't tase me bro with your tainted prick
Or bet your royal ass we're foiled again
"Don't tase me bro" refers to what a University of Florida student said to an officer when he was at a John Kerry Rally in 2007. The other is from Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place.
So Laertes and I both got poked Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place.
Mom drank some Chinese lead-based Coke Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place, Gertrude accidently drinks the cup of wine with poison it. The "Chinese Lead Based Coke" refers to lead being found in Coca Cola can paint in 2006 and also that many toys and other items produced in China tend to have lead in the paint.
The king was S.O.L. Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place and then Hamlet stabs Claudius.
Thus ends his sworded tale. Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place and almost everybody dies due to the poison in some way.
I said, My name ees Hamlet Junior, guy
You keeled my dad; prepare to die
(Yep, I stole that from The Princess Bride)
The day King Claudius died
Act 5, Scene 2 when the swordfight between Hamlet and Laertes takes place.
Here's the question:
To be or choose alternately?
That's the question I'm processin' in Scene I of Act III
To end these shocks or bear 'em heart-achingly,
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I.
Quoting Sonnet Number 73?
(That one's too depressing for me)
A reference to Shakespeare's Sonnet 73.
I met a girl named Juliet
And her boyfriend, whose name I forget
(What's in a name, man, anyway?)
Silliness with the wrong play; this one is Romeo and Juliet.
I led Othello to his death Silliness with the wrong play; this one is Othello.
And made life a bitch for King Macbeth Silliness with the wrong play; this one is Macbeth.
Till the Bard said, Dude, you're in a different play Being in the wrong plays is finally acknowledged.
So meanwhile back at Elsinore Elsinore is the castle where Hamlet and family lived.
A bunch of guys come to mop the floor
It's Fortinbras's legions
I guess we're now Norwegians
End of Act 5, Scene 2 where Fortinbras walks in after the sword fight and everybody involved is dead.
And the three co-stars I riled most:
Laertes, Mom, and King Claudi-os
Went off to hang with Daddy's ghost
(Act 5, Scene 2 when Gertrude accidentally drank the poisoned wine and then Hamlet killed Laertes and Claudius.
The day Prince Hamlet died Act 5,Scene 2 when Hamlet committed suicide by drinking the poisoned wine.
I see dead people... This line is stolen from The Sixth Sense.
To be or choose oppositely?
Are we tougher if we suffer indefatigably
Or take up arms against a turbulent sea
Of the troubles fortune's slinging at me?
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I.
Screw it - let's go watch some TV This is just silly.
We were thinking:
To be or to not freaking be
That's the question we're obsessin' 'bout interminably
This refers to Hamlet's famous soliloquy in Act 3, Scene I
But as for us, the answer's clear: NOT TO BE Caught in THIS Shakespearean tragedy By the end of the play, Polonius, Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, Hamlet, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern are all dead.
[Horatio:] Good-night, sweet prince. This is a line from Act 5, Scene 2 when Hamlet tells Horatio that the poison is killing him. I am not sure what movie this line came from if it did. Perhaps it is Robocop as I can't seem to find that one, but I can tell that it's not from The Big Lebowski.
[Hamlet:] I'm not quite dead... This line is stolen from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Concorde says it to Launcelot in Scene 27.


If you're wondering, here's "Suicide in Painless." There are definitely influences from Hamlet in that song, too! There is one very obvious one and there are others. Hopefully it embeds, but if it doesn't, I'll give the link aftwards.
Hopefully, embedded:

Link to "Suicide is Painless."
Suicide in Painless

Monday, April 15, 2013

Not Quite Piano Man

Of course, after what has happened today, my prayers are with all the people who were in Boston. It's been an emotionally difficult day once that happened. However, with trying to keep it a bit happier, Briana and I decided to "rewrite" "Piano Man" with misheard lyrics.

We replaced the real lyrics with misheard ones and this is the song we now have:

It's five o'clock on a Saturday
Irregular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his erotic Aunt Jen.

He says, "Son, can you play me a melody
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a young woman's clothes."

La la la, did dee da-a
La la, did dee da-a da dum

Sing us a song, of the Yellow Man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"

La la la, did dee da-a
La la, did dee da-a da dum

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly explode
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than being alone

Sing us a song from the Meadow Lands
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got a spirit, that's right.

Now Paul is a realistic novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be polite

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnivore
And the night owl sounds like a beer
And they play the guitar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what a hue to one ear!"

La la la, did dee da-a
La la, did dee da-a da dum

Sing us a song you're a Chinese man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got a spinet, all right.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Rankin/Bass Plotholes


I watched P. Cottontail tonight. It is one of the Rankin/Bass holiday specials (like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer). While it is cute, there is definitely a huge plot hole in the show (despite all the other odd things that aren't explained – which really don't matter).

Anyway, the Colonel who is the Chief Easter Bunny is going to be retiring and he picks Peter Cottontail to be the next Chief Easter Bunny. A rabbit named Irontail (because a kid once ran over his tail and now he wears a fake tail that is made of iron [one of the many odd things that don't really matter for the show]) brings the April Valley (it's where the rabbits live) constitution where it says that the next Chief Easter Bunny is the one that delivers the most eggs.

Since Peter Cottontail isn't responsible, he holds a party and he doesn't go to bed on time. He had set his alarm clock, but Ironside sabotages it (there's a chicken on it and he gives the chicken magic corn flavored bubble gum that keeps it from making any noise).

Peter sleeps all day. Irontail is only able to give away one egg as almost nobody wanted an egg from him. However, Irontail wins because Peter didn't deliver any eggs due to sleeping all day.

So, Peter finds Sassafrass (who I guess plants all of April Valley) and he has this vehicle that is basically a time machine and it goes to the different holidays. Peter travels with a caterpillar named Antoine. Somehow Irontail sabotaged the time machine.

It skips over Easter and it first lands on Mother's Day. Nobody wants eggs on Mother's Day.

It then goes to the Fourth of July. Peter repaints the eggs. He lies to two boys and tells them that they are egg shaped grenades. The boys take the entire basket. They bring the basket back complaining that the eggs aren't grenades. However, they couldn't have known this without throwing one down on the hard ground. Thus, Peter had to give away one egg. This would make Peter and Irontail tied.

The next holiday is Halloween. Irontail tries to send a witch to scare Peter, but he isn't scared. Instead, he gives her an egg. That means that Peter has no successfully given away two eggs. He should win. However, the special keeps going. It goes through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and St. Patrick's Day.

Of course, there was a way Peter gave away the eggs. It goes back to Easter. Still, there was no reasons that he had to give away the entire basket of eggs. The show easily could've ended after Halloween because Peter should've won by then.


Monday, March 18, 2013

Bad Dreams, Bad Thoughts, and Good Reminders


Last night, I had this dream that my mom was standing behind me as I slept in bed.  She was insisting that she was still "here."  I was praying that I wouldn't have more dreams like that, but that's another one of them.

I miss my real Mama.  It's sad because Nancy (the pastor's wife from St. Michael's) knew her when we first started coming to St. Michael's.  She was nothing like what she was in the few months before she passed.  What Nancy didn't know is that she still wasn't healthy then.  She hadn't started aspirating her food and water when we first started coming.  I don't know when that started.  However, she was doing it lots because she would be in the car and I'd tell her that it's not normal to have water drip from your nose after drinking water.  However, my Mama wouldn't go do the doctor for that.

Al-Anon helps me to remember that I did not have any control over my Mama or over the doctors.  The doctors should've listened to me, but they didn't.  I couldn't control that.  I definitely couldn't control what my Mama chose to do, even though much of it was not good for her.

For some reason, while sitting in the Sowela library while waiting for a fiction reading (and being Briana's extra credit - yes, seriously, I was her extra credit for her "bringing" me), I suddenly had the feeling of how strange it is to come home and not have my Mama in the house, even though I've come through the house doors many times since she has passed.

We got some frozen yogurt from Sweet Frog today because they have a special that if you wear green (yesterday, today, tomorrow), you can fill up a 12oz cup with as much as you'd like and only pay $4 for it.  While I was eating my frozen yogurt with all kinds of chocolate candy and magic shell on it (I didn't need it, but it was fun to do), I happened to look over at the register when some people were buying their yogurt.  It was some numbers that have seemed quite significant in my life lately.  I know that God and Jesus are there when these things happen. It's not just a coincidence like some people say.

I had to write myself some reminders tonight.  Even though I know these things, I often have to remind myself of them and writing them helps.

The first things I wrote:
I continuously pray for my back to get better, too. I believe God still works in healings and miracles. However, I don't doubt Him if my back is not healed. After all, God says that there are strengths in weaknesses. God's plans is bigger than what I'd like . . . and I don't know God's plan. It could coincide with what I'd like, too.

The second thing I wrote:
Sometimes I feel really bad that I don't feel called to go on mission trips to other countries. However, God reminds me that if everybody were called to do such a thing that those things would never get done because nobody would be back home organizing the trips and helping get things done. I've always loved behind the scenes in theater, so it is certainly something that I love for helping others get to go on mission trips. I have to remind myself that God values every single person and a behind-the-scenes person is just as important as those out front. Just like a theater production would never get produced without set builder, stage managers, assistants, and directors, God needs those people for His missions, too.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Closure


Everybody needs closure.  However, how do you have closure when you never truly could have closure?  Besides missing my Mama at times (as I don't really know how many times I "lost" her before officially finally and truly losing her).

Closure is one of the hardest things for me right now.

When Mama was alive, I was having to look into an interdiction.  I didn't want to look into an interdiction.  The reason for doing this was to protect her.   However, she never saw that.  She only thought that I was trying to be mean to her.  Of course, that wasn't true.  I didn't want my Mama to hurt herself or to hurt others.

I had only talked about putting the house and car and annuity all in my name because if she had lived, it would've taken five years for her to get medicaid.  Then she could've received more help than she was currently getting with her medicare and office of group of benefits.

How can I have closure when I can't talk to my Mama in a rational way?  I never could talk to her in a rational way for many months before she passed.  She didn't make sense.  Her speech didn't make sense.  Her words didn't make sense.  Perhaps it was even years before she passed that she didn't make sense.

I know that even when my Daddy was alive that she was getting dumber.  It was awful.  She couldn't remember "shaved ice" and kept saying that it was ice that was "whirred up."  Sadly, Daddy said "whirred up," too.

She would say words for things that just didn't make sense.  I could never figure out how she still managed to do crossword puzzles and other puzzles in GAMES.  However, as I am typing this, Briana is telling me that she is the one who would often correct them.  Mama made a bunch of mistakes.

Mama would keep the really old GAMES magazines, which was crazy, however, I can remember looking at them and seeing that she was smart before she was on those antidepressants.

I tried to teach her how to do logic puzzles, but she never seemed to actually get the concept.  I think I found one or two of them done correctly for a little bit, but then things didn't make sense.

I wish I could talk to her again.  I wish I could find a way to just tell her how much I love and loved her.  I wish she could've known that I wanted her to be safe.

She wanted to get out of the nursing home and I can understand that.  It is sad and gray in that place.  I would've loved to bring her to church.  However, I couldn't physically handle her.  She would've fallen all over.  I couldn't have put her in the car.  I couldn't have taken her out of the car.  I don't know how I could've done anything.

I feel bad now that I didn't go up to the ER when she was taken there.  Briana was there, but I wasn't.  I know I needed to take care of myself because so tired and needed rest.  However, I didn't know it would've been the last time that she may have actually been able to talk to me.

I do remember the last time that she talked to me.  She wasn't making sense.  Billie (I think that was the worker's name) was in her room with me.  Mama was going on and on about the house and the car and talking about me trying to take them away from her.  This was right after she took communion because Pastor Cook came and gave it to her.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Orphaned . . .

In a way, I am now an orphan. My mom passed away on Saturday, September 15, 2012. It wasn't as sudden as my Daddy's death, but I expected my Mama to be around at least a few days longer. I know that none of it is what I hoped, but in a way, I had been expecting her to not be well, too. I had seen her sick and suffering for many months. Sometimes I feel bad because I have no written here for a few days. However, I then look and see that I am dealing with a lot of stuff. Before my mom passed, it was taking care of her, taking care of Briana, doing the jobs I had, looking for a better job, taking care of the dogs, taking care of the car, and many more things. Now, I still have to take care of things including Briana. I am trying to let her be as independent as she can be. I want her to learn tasks and chores so that if she wants, she can learn to live on her own. She talks to me about dreams she has and I want her to be able to pursue them. However, she can't pursue them if she doesn't have the skills she needs to live. Obviously, I am also dealing with Mama's memorial service and getting that all planned now. My mom never wanted a viewing of her body or a funeral. She wanted to be cremated, have a memorial service, and not have people wear black. It still hurts that she's gone. It doesn't seem real sometimes. I drive home and think that maybe I'd find her in the bedroom. Perhaps I'd visit her in the nursing home. There are plenty of times that I just don't know what to feel.